Christmas Memories
by Reader575
Summary: What's Christmas without a little Olitz? Hope you enjoy these AU offerings.
1. Chapter 1

Memories of Christmas

Chapter 1

Careening through the blinding snow Olivia presses down harder on the accelerator. Soon her pain will end, she'll never spend another holiday mourning her loss, or crying out for what should have been. It's been three years, three long years of pain cloaked in sorrow. Three years of having to make post-it notes to remind herself eat, bathe, to breathe. The pain is physical and emotional and drug resistant. No sedative, pain reliever or mood stabilizer known to man can remove the pain. The pain is intrinsic, permanent, bonded to her very DNA. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never in love or never in love with their soulmate.

Why is she here? Why did she survive? What the hell was God thinking? Well this sad story ends tonight, in fact in ends in about 60 seconds. She'll never make the hairpin turn up ahead and this road is seldom traveled so it will be days maybe even weeks before her body is discovered.

"Less than 100 feet now. Fitz, Dash, Penn, I'm coming to be with you." Suddenly a deer juts out into the road.

Noooooo!

Swerve, break...break...break. Guardrail metal crunches and gives way; the car goes airborne. Olivia's head hits the steering wheel knocking her unconscious and the airbag deploys. It plummets into lake, sinking slowly as it cracks the thick ice layer.

* * *

"I'm telling you something is wrong, Liv was way too happy and nostalgic this afternoon."

"Why are you assuming the worst? Is it so far out the realm of possibility Olivia is finally over her grief, moving on and looking to make a fresh start? Three years Abby, it's been three years. You have to allow people to grieve in their own way and for as long as they need to. Olivia lost everything in the blink of an eye and I for one can't say I would have reacted any differently."

"Believe me Quinn I'm happy… I'll be happy if the old Olivia is back but there was something in her eyes today that was...it was...I can't explain it. I just know something is wrong."

Abby unlocks the door to Olivia's townhouse. "Liv you here? We come bearing gifts…liquid cheer and a Mexican feast from your favorite restaurant Lolita's. I know you said you'd rather spend a quiet evening but it's Christmas Eve." Hearing no response Abby drops the bags off in the kitchen, then she and Quinn separate to search for Olivia. Abby takes the upper level, Quinn the lower.

"She's not here. Her car isn't in the garage. Now you've got me spooked. Look around the house is too pristine, too organized, nothing is out of place. We were here last week and the place looked like a train wreck." Quinn nervously swipes the sofa table with her finger- not a speck.

Abby notices several envelopes neatly lined up on the dining room table.

"Hey look at this, theses envelopes have our names on them." She hands Quinn her envelope and opens her own. She begins to read the letter, tears quickly form and her head shakes from side to side like a sprung spring.

 _My Dearest Abby,_

 _By the time you read this I'll be reunited with my family. I can no longer deal with the pain caused by their absence, Fitz was the love of my life and I ache for him every single day. Penn and Dash were my heart, and it stopped beating the day they died. For last three years I've been nothing more than the walking dead._

 _Three years ago today hope left me, love died inside me and my life ended. I should have perished in the lake with them. I can never be whole without them, I can see no purpose in my existence without them. So today, god willingly I will join them in heaven. I know they're waiting for me and I'm ready. There's no place for me in the here and now, I belong in the hereafter._

 _I just want to thank you for being my best friend and my biggest supporter. Without you I wouldn't have made it these last three years. Please don't blame yourself or try to figure out if you missed some sign. I've been planning to end my life for a year. The plan, well it gave me a purpose, a clear vision for the future, it restored my sense of hope. Knowing each passing day, I was a day closer to being with Fitz and my children allowed joy to slowly penetrate my dead heart. Today I can hardly contain my happiness because before the stroke of midnight I'm going to be home, home with my family. In time I hope you can forgive me and understand my actions. I'm going to a place where there is no more pain, no more heartache, no more tears._

 _David has my will, I left everything to you, Quinn, Harrison and Huck. Everything to close out my estate is on the table, including funeral arrangements. A blizzard is forecast for the mountains which means my body probably won't be found for weeks. You'll find me in the deep end of the lake where my life actually ended three years ago._

 _I love you Abs. Have a wonderful life and be happy for me. I'm going where I should have gone three years ago. Goodbye dear friend, remember me fondly and happy._

 _Love,_

 _Olivia_

Abby is in tears. Defiantly she slams the letter down on the table. "No… she does not get to end things this way. No...no...no. She's not in her right mind. "

"She couldn't have gotten to the road leading to lake yet. Let's call the sheriff or the highway patrol, they can intercept her." Quinn takes out her phone and dials quickly.

Abby checks the weather report on her phone. "The storm is moving in faster than expected. Mountain roads will be impassable in about an hour, she'll have to stop or turn back.

"Or improvise." Quinn whispers under her breath.

* * *

AN -This was rolling around in my head today and I had to jot it down. I have two short and I mean short Christmas stories to post. This one has two more chapters. Drop a comment and tell me what you think.

Have a great week.


	2. Chapter 2

AN – Thank you for your reviews, favorites and follows. Trust me don't get hung up on the sadness, you know me there is always a twist. Olitz love is deep and abiding, abiding being the operative word for this story. I bet some of you already have it figured out. Don't spoil it for those who haven't. (😊)

 **Memories of Christmas**

 **Chapter 2**

"Oo…oo… daddy, that one. That one over there. It's perfect." Penn squeals excitedly pointing to the eight-foot Douglas fir a few feet away.

"What do you think Dash? Think mom will give her stamp of approval?"

Twelve-month-old Dasheill babbles happily snug in his carrier attached to Fitz 's chest. Fitz kisses his son's beanie covered head before he unsnaps the carrier hooks.

"Okay Penn hold your brother while I cut down the tree. Good thing this year the tree isn't too far from the cabin."

"Yeah daddy I think we walked a hundred miles last year." Fitz chuckles at the serious expression on his daughter's face. For the last month she equates any reference to distance to being no less than a hundred miles, including the distance from the kitchen to her bedroom.

He pulls a compact chainsaw from the snowmobile boot and twenty minutes later the tree in chopped, bound and hooked up to the back of the snowmobile. After securing the children, he turns on the engine and revs it a few times.

"Okay Grants ready to head back?"

"I'm ready, you ready Dash? Dash replies with more babbling and spit bubbles.

Fitz revs the engine one more time.

"When's mommy coming?"

"She should be at the cabin by now. Let's go show her the best Christmas tree in the forest."

"Yay", Penelope sings waving her hands.

"Daddy what's that sound?

Fitz looks up in time to see a car crash through the guardrail on the hairpin turn above the lake at the edge of their property.

"Oh my god!"

The car plummets into the lake, cracking through the thick ice layer, sinking slowly.

"Daddy that's mommy's car. Look, see the red racing stripe. Daddy, daddy, help mommy! You have to help mommy! You have to get her out of the car…out of the ocean."

Fitz starts to correct Penn, then thinks, "what the hell am I thinking?"

He turns the snowmobile around and races to the lake edge.

He unhooks Dash. "Hold your brother."

"Hurry daddy mommy's car is going under the water."

"Stay here with Dash, don't leave this spot, you understand." Terrified, Penn nods nervously.

Fitz grabs his key fobs, rips off his hat, gloves and jacket en route to the car. By the time he reaches the car it's completely submerged.

He uses his remote to unlock Olivia's door before he dives in. Fortunately, this is the shallow end of the lake, the car is resting in no more than nine feet of water. He dives in, swims to the driver side and bangs on the window. Olivia is unconscious, lifeless.

He resurfaces to breathe in more air and waits for the water inside the car to equalize with the outside. The water is freezing making swimming difficult. He takes a deep breath then dives down, again he pounds on the window trying to wake his wife.

Finally, the water inside the car is over Olivia's head. He opens the door unbuckles her seatbelt, pulls her out, and drags her to the surface behind him.

"Olivia baby", he screams running to shore with her in his arms. Setting her on the rocky snow covered ground he immediately starts CPR compressions.

"Come on baby, don't leave me, don't leave our family, we need you. I love you so much." No response.

He pounds her chest, breathes air into lungs, begs her not to give up. He pushes her legs into her chest a few times and breathes more air into her lungs. He lays across her body listening for life signs, a breath, a heartbeat, anything, something.

He looks over his shoulder, Penn and Dash are crying hysterically.

"Not like this Livvie…not like this." Crying, he lifts and holds her tightly against his body.

"Cough, cough." Olivia groans and moves her head.

Fitz turns her on her side, she expels the water in her lungs and gasps for air. She opens her eyes, no expression of disorientation or fear just a smile.

"It worked, I made it," she struggles to whisper.

"Oh Livvie, sweet baby." Fitz kisses her cold blue lips and rocks her back and forth in his arms.

"Fitz…" she whispers before losing consciousness.

He picks her up and runs back to the snowmobile. He wraps her in his discarded jacket, puts his beanie and gloves back on, picks up Olivia and sprints over to his children. Chilly winds buffet his body, but adrenaline counteracts the freezing conditions.

"Oh god Liv baby you're going to be alright. Hold on. We'll be at the cabin soon."

"Daddy is mommy okay?"

"Mommy is going to be fine sweetie."

Fitz straps Olivia to the tree using it as a makeshift stretcher. He secures Dash to Penn then hops on the snowmobile. Snow and wind pelt them. The forecast blizzard is moving in fast. Fifteen minutes later they're at the cabin. Fitz takes the children in first then comes back for Olivia. He sets her on the floor next to the fireplace, then runs to their bedroom, yanks off the bedding and rushes back to cover Olivia. He rips off her wet clothes and wraps her snuggly in the bedding.

Penn has already put Dash in his playpen and brings Fitz dry clothes. She also brings a few towels. "Here daddy."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

He stokes the fire while adding more logs trying create a raging inferno.

An unseen gash on Olivia's forehead begins to bleed now her circulation is restored. Using a small towel as a temporary bandage, Fitz applies pressure to the wound.

"Daddy mommy's bleeding is she dying? Why she not waking up? I don't want mommy to die!"

Fitz gathers Penn in his arms. "Mommy is resting Penn. She hit her head on the steering wheel and she has a cut, just a cut baby, okay." He kisses her temple.

"Hold her hand Penn, if you hold her hand and talk to her, she'll hear you in her dreams".

Penn's eyes widen and her face lights up. "Really daddy."

"Really baby." Penn takes Olivia's hand.

"She's still cold daddy."

"Rub her hands Penn, I'll get the first aid kit and turn on the electric blanket to warm the bed for her."

"Okay hurry daddy, I don't want mommy to catch a cold, she'll be sick for Christmas."

"Now we can't have that, can we."

Fitz puts on his best game face for his young ones and prays Olivia is alright. The blizzard makes going to the hospital an impossibility. He realizes his cell phone was in his pocket when he dove into the lake and obviously Olivia's is in the submerged car. Their nearest neighbors are five miles away and satellite WiFi doesn't work in storms. Essentially isolated, they're on their own for the next few days.

* * *

"Fitz", Olivia mumbles, not waking only dreaming. Familiar flannel sheets warm her pajama clad body. She's dreaming, reliving fond moments both ordinary and special. Memories of joyous moments too painful to recall while awake. Vivid memories that remind her of all she lost.

Without warning, darkness encroaches, pushing away the singular source sustaining her sanity and leaving in its place the detailed devastating high definition moment the universe destroyed her. In less than thirty seconds she went from happily whole to a million shattered pieces. An icy road, a deer and screams. It's the screams in the darkness that haunt her. Her babies screaming for her, Fitz screaming for her to save herself, her screaming she can't leave them. She can taste the icy cold water, feel her body temperature drop, and hear the muffled gurgles as the car sinks into the lake's dark depths.

She wakes up in the hospital surrounded by white light and silence. A doctor and a nurse come to examine her, really to sedate her. They have to deliver the tragic news. All she hears is sound bites. Accident...icy road...lake...drowned...sorry for your loss. More screams but this time it's her alone. She needs to escape, this is all a mistake, they're lying to her. She jumps out the bed, tries to push past the liars with stethoscopes but dizziness sidelines her.

"You're wrong they're here. I have to go to them. Don't touch me...stay away! Noooo…Fitz...Penn...Dash! My babies."

A needle to the arm and darkness follows then silence returns.

* * *

Whistling wind and snow pelt the frost covered bedroom window. The whistling wind, a substitute alarm clock, slowly coaxes Olivia to awaken. A few tosses, a few turns, rapid eye movement behind closed lids and finally the urge to open her eyes. Looking around she smiles, she's made it; heaven. She's in their cabin bedroom surrounded by all the comforting sights and smells she remembers. The cabin was their favorite place, the one place they could be themselves, uninterrupted, free from life's busyness and general cares.

Wait something's not right. Her head hurts, her chest is sore and she's in bed alone. Where is Fitz, where are her babies? _Oh god, am I in hell because I killed myself?_ _Am I trapped for eternity with only tokens and memories of the people most dear to me?_ Olivia begins to weep.

A minute later the bed dips on the other side. "Mommy please don't cry. I'll kiss your booboo and make it all better." Olivia whips around to see her beautiful daughter.

"Penn baby, you're here," she cries wiping her eyes. She opens her arms beckoning her beautiful snaggletooth daughter, who eagerly climbs unto her mother's lap.

"Yes mommy, we're all here. You scared us when your car went under the water, but dad got you out and warmed you up. You feel better now, don't you?"

"What? You saw my car go into the lake?"

"Yeah, we saw your car jump off the road." Olivia gasps covering her mouth.

"Penn sweetie didn't I tell you to let mommy rest."

"I heard her crying daddy. I think her booboo hurts. I came to kiss it better."

Olivia scoops Penn into arms hugging her tightly.

"Mommy too tight."

"I'm never letting you go again Penelope Grace," Olivia declares kissing Penn repeatedly.

"Silly mommy, I have to go to school, take a bath, play with my toys and go potty. You can't hold me forever."

Fitz, with Dash in his arms, joins his girls in bed. "You gave us quite a scare Livvie."

He gently brushes her cheek with the knuckle of his index finger. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she turns to kiss his hand. Her lips stay affixed to his warm hand, she revels in the feel of his skin, his scent, all the things she's missed so much in the last three years. He leans over to peck her on the lips but overcome with emotion the kiss turns deep and affirming.

"Yeah mommy, you have to be careful driving in snow."

Dash reaches out for Olivia but Fitz continues to hold him.

Olivia weeps a tad more, "I've missed you all so much, now we'll be together forever. She quickly wipes away her tears, sets Penn down next to Fitz and bounces out the bed seemingly unaffected physically by the fact she drowned less than 24 hours ago. Fitz grabs her hand halting her movements. He holds her in place, puzzled by her comment.

"Livvie," his voice is filled with concern.

Olivia bends down to kiss him with three years of pent-up longing. Now he's certain something is amiss. They haven't kissed with such passion in months.

"Stop kissing you're smothering me", Penn shrieks trapped between them.

They stop kissing and press brows. "Let me help you Olivia, he whispers softly."

Olivia pulls away, "Fitz stop fussing, outside a slight headache I feel fine." It's partially the truth so she's going with it. She's not going to let her sore body dampen their holidays.

"Let's not spoil the kid's Christmas worrying about me."

He acquiesces for the time being. He'll ask her later about the "forever" and the "it worked" comments and her renewed sense of passion later. It's probably just some residual near-death emotion speaking.

Okay Liv, just promise you'll take it easy for the next few days. The blizzard is in a holding pattern for next 48 hours, so we'll have to hunker down.

"Perfect, let's get this holiday started."

* * *

"Mommy isn't the tree beautiful, I bet it's the bestest tree in the whole wide world." Olivia gazes intently at the tree holding Dash in her arms. Penn proud and satisfied with her decorating skills happily hugs Olivia at the waist.

"For sure my sweet girl. You and daddy did a fantastic job. Didn't they Dashiell." Dash ignores Olivia's question, he's too preoccupied chewing on his candy cane.

"Let me see, I know something is missing. What on earth can it be?" Fitz hangs one last ornament then taps his lips with his index finger pretending to ponder his dilemma.

"Liv do you have any idea what's missing," he asks winking at her. Olivia walks around the tree inspecting every bulb, bobble, tinsel string and light.

"Hmm, I see what you mean. Something is definitely missing. Dash can you tell what's missing?" Dash looks at the tree and his family. He shakes his head, then tries to shove his spit moistened candy cane into Olivia's mouth.

Penn meticulously examines the tree, walking around it mimicking her mother's approach. Suddenly, the mystery is solved. Penn jumps up and down raising her hand in the air as she would in school. "I know, I know! I know what's missing daddy!

"Really, tell me Penn it's driving me crazy not being able to figure this out, Fitz says lifting her in his arms."

"The angel on the top is missing. We forgot to put the Christmas angel on top."

"Wow Penn you're right, how did we miss the Christmas angel."

Fitz bends slightly to pick up the angel from the coffee table.

"Here sweetie put the angel on top." He lifts Penn above his shoulders and she carefully places the silver and gold dressed angel atop the tree.

The family stands back admiring their handiwork. Overcome with emotions, Olivia corals everyone into a group hug.

"I've missed you all so much. I'm so glad we're finally together again." Olivia whispers teary-eyed. Fitz continues to note the oddness of his wife's statements.

"Liv is everything okay."

"Everything is perfect, why do you ask?"

Fitz shakes his head a little. Whatever is going on with his wife, he needs to discuss it with her in private. "Nothing, it can wait." He pecks her on the lips.

"Who's ready for hot chocolate and cookies?"

"Oo, oo, me mommy. With baby marshmallows too?"

Olivia laughs, "yes with baby marshmallows."

"Okay loved ones, let's go have cocoa and cookies, but not too much, we have to save some for Santa."

 _Loved ones, she's never referred to us as loved ones._ Fitz concludes being so close to death is probably making Olivia more appreciative. Yet, he can't dismiss the fact she keeps talking as if they've been separated for years instead of hours. Once the kids are asleep, he'll speak to her and find out what's going on in her head.

* * *

"Babe you think Penn will figure out we're celebrating Christmas two days after the fact?" Olivia comes out the bathroom brushing her teeth wearing one Fitz's old tee shirts and socks.

"No, I think with all that's happened she's completely forgotten today is actually Christmas."

Olivia finishes her nightly routine and climbs into bed. She stares at Fitz, recalling every pore, dimple, facial hair and scar. It's really him, he's exactly as she remembers. She straddles his lap, kissing him with urgency and grinding against him with purpose. Fitz forgets the need to talk to her caught up in his own desire for her. He's missed her, missed them together. The last few months they've been distant, somewhat emotionally separated. The need for air breaks their lip lock.

"I'm so happy we are all together again. I've missed you all so much, it's been so long. I made it and now we can be together forever."

"Baby are you sure you're okay? Why are you talking as if you haven't seen us in ages?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean?"

Judging from Fitz reaction Olivia guesses the accidentally dead don't know they're dead and the intentionally dead must bear the burden knowing they are dead. _Is part of heaven's reunion deal not revealing to the accidently dead they're dead? Is heaven like the movie Groundhog Day? Will she relive this day or two over and over and over again? One thing is certain, spending eternity reliving these moments over and over again is preferable to living one more day among the living without her family._

"I'm happy Fitz, why is it a problem?"

"Do you understand you could've died?"

"What do you mean I could've died?

"Olivia you do realize what happened to you, right? You drowned and had to be resuscitated."

"What does it matter Fitz? Do you know where we are?" She asks looking at him perplexed.

"I think that's a question I should ask you. Why do you keep saying you knew it would work? Livvie did you drive through the guardrail on purpose?" Olivia throws the bedcovers back and jumps out the bed. She starts toward the door but Fitz jumps out the bed and blocks her exit.

"Fitz, I am here we're together again - end of story."

"Answer my question Olivia. Did you drive through the guardrail on purpose?" He cups her face, making her look him in the eye.

 _Technically, she planned to do it on purpose but the deer beat her to it._ "No…no I didn't. A deer ran out into the road and I…I…lost control."

It's the truth she can state unequivocally because the deer actually did cause the accident.

Maybe he's overreacting and needs to give her an opportunity to regain her bearings after the trauma incident. Maybe her choice of words and demeanor are a natural reaction to a near death experience. That's the only explanation for her odd behavior. Why would she purposely try to kill herself? Why would she want to leave him and the children alone? It doesn't make sense. He decides to give her a few days to come to grips with her experience.

"Can we just enjoy the holiday and be glad I made it here?"

He looks at her, she's right she made it, they should be celebrating.

"You're right, I'm sorry." She pulls his head down for a kiss.

"I love you so much Fitz"

"I love you too Livvie."

They kiss for what seems like hours, never coming up for air, although its mere seconds. She wraps her leg around his waist and grinds against him. She can feel his arousal.

"Make love to me Fitz, I need you more than anything right now."

His kisses are gentle at first, then become aggressive as he pries her mouth open with his tongue. They engage in a fervent tongue battle and their anxious hands stroke arms, squeeze breasts and grope a hardening dick. Olivia reaches behind her nonchalantly locks the bedroom door cueing Fitz to move on to next phase. He hoists her up allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist. He carries her to the bed and within seconds they're both naked and writhing in utter bliss. They make love, rest, then make love again. Both fall asleep thinking it doesn't matter where they are as long as they are together.

* * *

AN – So what do you think? Where are they? Is Olivia right? Does it matter where they are and how they got together?

Share your thoughts with me and have a great week.


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